Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
