dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
