you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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