my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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