You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
