Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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