Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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