i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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