Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
