Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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