I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
