I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
