I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
