Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
