Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
