I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
