I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
