Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
