Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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