we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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