Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
