I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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