Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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