From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
