I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
