There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
