so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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