the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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