i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i think my cat just said my name.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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