Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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