She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
