last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
