WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
