You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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