i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
