arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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