My pussy is not your playground.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
