why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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