then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
