And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
