i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
