wrigley field is MILF paradise
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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