I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
