just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
