I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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