Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
