remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
