Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
