My sheets look like a crime scene.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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