I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
