Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
