you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
