Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
