You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Less talking, more tequila
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
