why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
