it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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