you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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