yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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