you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
